Friday, May 14, 2010
It's dark. The day is done and I'm low on.....well, everything. My son is stuck... again. He's almost an adult now. Perhaps he's been asked to take turns, or share, or move to another seat, or change activities from one he's enjoying. Just one breath ago he looked like any average kid but now, he's questioning fairness and justice in a rapid fire, intense way that belies that fragile shell.
He's begun his nightmare carousel ride driven by so many factors and accelerated by anxiety. Around and around he explains his position. Again and again he clarifies, restates, defends this nonsensical position. He's unable to see the world around him clearly now as it mutes, blurred and distanced from his whirling ride.
I try to break in with my words, but I seem to keep missing him as he spins by me, away from me.
I feel like a parent standing by the carousel, desperately trying to snap that photo before the ride ends. So, I begin to plan for my next move to speak and now I'm no longer truly listening to him. Like that parent, I've traded this moment for a future one.
Unable to hold my balance in this dizzying dance any longer, I shut it down. I shut him down. I shut down. " I won't discuss this topic further. I won't. I won't. I'm sorry, I won't." Outwardly, I hold firm.
Stunned and confused a now small, young child desperately pleads with me,
"Why... can you just tell me why?"
Such a simple young question from a such a brilliant young man. He deserves an answer and I feel helpless holding his truth. Any words from my mouth right now, will only thrust him back on that nightmare carousel ride.

It's dark. The day is done. I'm low on...well, everything. My son is not stuck now- success. This is our beginning.


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